The Darkness of Mental Distress

I never understood the fear of darkness until I experienced the complete absence of light for the first time. My family and I were on vacation and decided to take my nieces and nephews on a tour through a cave. The kids were stoked. After receiving our headlamps and safety instructions, our tour guide led us through a door and into the entrance of the cave. 

Upon entering, we were met with cool, damp air against our faces as our lungs took in the musty smell of cave matter. Man-made lights dimly flickered, casting shadows across the rocky formations. All around us were the sounds of dripping water, the fluttering of bat wings, and echoes that disappeared into unknown spaces. Despite its beauty and mystery, the cave was flat-out creepy.   

As we arrived at the heart of the cave, the guide instructed us to gather around as he told the story of how the cave was discovered by a few explorers. After the initial discovery, the explorers would lower themselves down on a slat of wood that was attached to a rope, with lantern in hand. Without any idea of the size, depth, or shape of the cave, the men could only see as far as their lamps would allow. In order to avoid being suspended in total darkness, the crew had to perfectly time each exploration based on the duration of the oil in their lamps. 

To help us better appreciate what the explorers felt if and when their lanterns went out mid exploration, the tour guide instructed that on the count of three, all lights be turned off.
      “One.”
      “Two.”
      “Three!”
      Total…darkness.

The guide instructed us to wave our hands directly in front of our faces. Nothing! I literally could not see my hand that was less than half an inch away from my eyeballs. He then instructed us to remain silent for one minute so that we could take in the “sound of absolute darkness”. Hands down, the longest minute of my life.

The weight of darkness crushed me and began to play deceptive tricks on my mind. The cave began to spin rapidly around me. The platform beneath my feet began to give out, threatening to drop me into the black hole below. The people around me were no longer there, leaving me to fend for myself. 

Or so it seemed.

Just when I was on the verge of having a meltdown, the guide turned the lights back on. To my surprise, the cave was not spinning furiously around me. The platform was perfectly secured beneath my feet. People were still packed around me like sardines. I was safe. Despite its every effort, the deception of darkness was limited by the clarity of light’s presence. 

Did you know that darkness is nothing? As in, the actual definition of darkness is, “the partial or total absence of light”.¹ Without light, we are left with darkness; we are left with nothing. Maybe that’s why living in darkness feels so disorienting, because it literally offers us nothing.

For so many years, I assumed that the darkness inside of me and around me was God's doing, as if He was the enemy and one to blame.  But over time, I came to learn that any darkness or evil that I experienced in this life, did not reflect the absence of a loving God, but rather the absence of God's love in my heart and mind (or in the hearts and minds around me).

Ephesians 6:12 teaches us that in this life, "we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil..."

So though I did suffer with a mental disorder known as OCD, the ruler of darkness and the enemy of my soul, Satan, stepped into those empty spaces of my mind that were void of God's light, God's truth, and God's love, and began to wreak havoc. And, being the "father of lies" who aims to disguise himself "as an angel of light", Satan took advantage of my distress as he disoriented me in "deep darkness" until I no longer knew "over what" I stumbled (2 Cor. 11:14, John 8:44, Proverbs 4:19).

In my darkest seasons of mental distress, I was so disoriented to the truth about myself, others, my creator, my purpose, my worth, my suffering, my identity, and so much more. I lost the ability to determine reality. My thoughts and processing abilities became irrational and based in lies, not truth.

I wouldn't wish the darkness of mental distress on anyone. Which is why I am passionate about sharing the light that led me out of that darkness and reoriented me to God's light, truth, love, and plan over my life.

You can read about that process in Part II of this devotional.



Resources
1-https://www.oed.com/search/dictionary/?scope=Entries&q=DARKNESS